Monday, July 26, 2010

I love warm-ups

Where is your mind? On a football team running through tires and doing all sorts of drills or those pink velour track suits that may even say something on the butt like yummy? Obviously I simultaneously go to both. The first is exciting and the second makes me laugh and for some reason almost makes me want to have one. Almost...

A friend of mine wrote a blog entry about living a bigger life. ( We have both been inspired and spurred on by the author, Donald Miller. You can see Don's blog in my links or check out a past entry of mine, titled Longings. I saw Donald speak at an Arts Conference in Chicago. It was so full of stories, entertainment, ideas and thought sparks that I walked away dizzy with delight, wonder and not even sure I knew what the main point was. He is having his own conference in Portland at the end of September. I am considering the adventure. There is a contest you can enter through a blog entry about how you hope to live in a new way, basically. You may see an entry in future postings.

Anyway, this blog should probably be called Side Note as that has come to be a constant pathway in my thinking. People see me writing feverishly in every meeting I am in and probably think I am just jotting down every single word. I do take notes but I am often writing SN followed by the most recent question or path of thought that has sparked in my mind. If it is written down I can refocus my mind and get back to engaging with the present. I think I could fill a whole book with all the SN's in my journals and notes. I wonder if they would make any sense taken away from the context that sparked the question or wonder.

I find myself in a pool slowly waving through words, patterns of behavior and future desire. I want to write about what I want to move toward. What are the adventures ahead I can step toward? More often than not though I am in the warm-up, the dreaming, the hope, the tiny steps that I hope will magically catapult me past the initial change to full blown, living in the midst of a whole new direction. As I look at past entries, I've been here a long time. I hope I will get lucky and will tip into my future. I struggle, wondering what parts are up to me. I want certain end results and feelings but don't see clear paths to get there. I fear getting locked into a whole path that takes me far away and I have to get back to the beginning intersection again.
I should know by now there is no beginning intersection, that pathways lead to new pathways.

When I look around I feel like others are in those moments and places in their life. It almost seems effortless like the door showed up and they just walked through, without much thought. I make lots of plans and get excited for the big game but it sometimes feels like I am sitting on the bench wondering why it hasn't started yet. Are we waiting on the coach? Is something going on I don't know about? Is everyone waiting for me to step out there? In the meantime I pick up the equipment lying around the bench, I entertain the kids waiting for the game to start and go back and forth between worrying and being distracted. Sometimes I tell myself it's not about the game. It's about making the most of the time right now, where you are on the sidelines. When it's time to play, you'll know. You'll hear the whistle blow.

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