Friday, May 26, 2006

Longings... Part 2

Another friend told me about a sermon at his church on Isaiah 64. It was about "pressing problems" and how often the things we bring to others and God are not really the root issue that is bothering us. He meets us where we are at but turns us toward the root issues that lie beneath. I think this is so true!
Sometimes I get too caught up in it, trying to see what is really screaming out from my heart. I know God already knows the things which we are really groaning about. I think taking a deeper look helps us see how he answers our prayers clearer. It also makes us aware of parts of us where we really need to be transformed.
The example I thought of is how I talk to my girls when they are dying to be in a relationship. I hear their anguish but sometimes we can get at what is causing it to seem like such a pressing issue at the time. Sometimes it is lonliness or feeling undesireable. We think having someone is surely the best solution to those problems. Sometimes God doesn't choose to move in that way at that time but he does bring others around you to address your lonliness or he reminds you of your true identity through scripture, conversations with friends, music... If we are just looking for the solution we have come up with we are going to miss how God is reaching out or something he is trying to work in you right at the moment.
I want to be exposed to myself, I want to see what I am longing for. I want to stand with God and have my eyes open as he looks over me in my vulnerable, exposed state. He can make sense of it so much better than me and he whispers the hope of what could and will be.


"What if the deepest longings of your heart were there for a reason?"

This is a quote off the back of one of my favorite books, Searching for God Knows What. It has brought attention to the small trickles in my brain tonight. A friend asked: What is one dream you have that you hope comes true. I am quite the dreamer, so I always have a jumbled pile of all the things I believe could happen and I hope with anticipation that they will somehow materialize. It was hard to answer. I guess if I keep them all together I am happy when one comes true but if I focus in on one it is frustrating and risky.
My mind can go crazy and as a girl's mind does, it spins a million scenarios with the littlelest details. It also reminds me of my sense of powerlessness. I have really been dissapointed in myself when I have tried to make my own dreams come true. It has been much less stressful and much more exciting and fulfilling when God has taken the initiative and I experience it with him, doing my part to respond and be active in what is happening but not manipulate and poke and prod at the situation.
All this to say I told my friend that I hope one day I find that all my writing was for a reason. I love to write and when given the chance to journal or respond to things I could write pages and pages and often do. It just flows out. It makes me sad sometimes to think what is this for? Is it just for me? Just a release or process? I would love if all this time I was just being in the stage God had for me and actually with the right timing I could pull some things together and actually write a book. I finally decided even if it were never published it is worth it to create the masterpiece I see in my mind. It is the joy of producing that which you are compelled to do.