Thursday, June 15, 2006

Now...... now....

At first I had the thought "and go" and it evolved into the now... now... like when you are waiting to jump into the rythm of a jump rope. I said I was going to take a step toward the Elementary school and that I did on Monday. Fifteen minutes later I was the new employee for the afternoon position they had just discovered that day had been overlooked. I had made comments earlier in the summer like I need a job with kids where I can just take them swimming and have spontaneous fun. Well I take my little kindegarten and first graders swimming three days a week and get to plan some spontaneous fun for them the other two days.
They are adorable,have unique names and personalities and are of all nationalities. One of my kids gets a little out of line, doing what you ask? He constantly does cartwheels! I had to stop him on the pool deck as did many others. He is so good at it and just springs from one right into another.
I feel drawn to God today, like I want to slide under his arm into a tight side hug/hold. I guess God must be taller, let's hope anyway or all of you will have to get down on your knees. I realized at EDGE tonight that I have that feeling today that I have had before when I am interested in a guy or a new friend. It's that curiosity, the intigue, the little half-smile that gives away how you are just plain excited about the little piece of mystery that has been unveiled. I love that I will never know everything about him, endless opportunties to explore.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

When drops become streams...

I love when you look back at an amount of time and realize how something has slowly invaded. I have been juggling the summer job thing, my life path, other personal aspects and have been praying and wating in various ways. Well in the last few days thoughts of foreign places and images of children have crept back in.
I got a call last week about returning to work with the Elementary school, which is full of refugee families. I brushed it off a bit and thought maybe later. Now from all that has been triggered in the last couple of days I am seriously reevaluating if that is the direction which may be best for a part-time job. I am going to at least take a step this week and find out what position they might have for me and when.
I watched Invisible Children Friday night. It reminded me of so many things, of my time in Africa and my hearts reaction to the documentary 'Born Into Brothels.' Even though teaching has slipped a bit from my radar it seems there is still a passion and draw in me toward children. When I watched 'Mad Hot Ballroom' I was even significantly moved and that is not as much about meeting the same needs.
It reopened a lot of categories and questions. I was a bit frantic as I have this feeling that it is going to fade away so quickly. That the ways my heart was stirred my overwhelming compulsion to do something, to pray long and hard... that I will too quickly forget before it has been captured or channeled in some way. I honestly cannot very easily adjust back to life as we know it without these reoccuring thoughts in my mind of what is happening other places, how God will redeem what looks to be irreversable, what answered prayers or God being behind something looks like outside the US. I keep wondering what things has God done that we don't credit to him. I kept thinking about blowing up the pictures I have from Africa and China of the faces so I don't forget. I think the kid saying don't forget about us was like a haunting flashback of the conversations I had with so many kids and people in the places I have been.
Then in church today a great guy we know shared about the gods that people are worshipping in foreign places. It makes me sad that they are living out of fear and that they are so persistant but about such terrible things. I kept wondering how do we even communicate that they don't have to live out of fear. Like a lady not talking about being pregnant for fear of hexing her unborn child. I can see people from here being ridiculous and saying hey let's talk about your baby on the way, don't worry nothing will happen.
I guess in so many of these it has brought me back to God in my own feeling of helplessness. I believe he brings our different passions together to address the big picture but some of it seems so much bigger than us that it is tempting to not even start or move, to just sit in sadness. That is where the dependance on him and belief that I can only do my part, believing that other parts will come together... That redemption is coming and is happening even if I cannot make out the clearest pictures of it. Now my part: what is it now, what is even the next step... where will I be down the road, will my part look different... I know many of those I can't know so I go back to my thankfulness for the realization that a few drops have again become a stream in my life.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Switchfoot agreed...

"We were meant to live for so much more, have we lost ourselves?"
I love when you find others are thinking through similar wave-lengths at the same time.
A friend e-mailed me and was talking about how he gets worried about being too comfortable in life. He wants to really impact people's lives and wants to live adventurously without grueling hours in a job that doesn't seem headed in that direction. Through many words it was the overall question of what is life about? What path to take? He knows that God will lead but there is that restlessness. A blogger friend had traces of similar things with the hope of being about more than the routine that is right before us, the job, family, stay in your self-contained world and live happy.
I have been back to the wrestling mat on this issue. I think looking for a summer job, for added income has brought up a lot of questions. Do I just do anything? Do I base them on pay? More than $7 an hour? What sacrifices do I make? Is there anything which would pay and be able to utilize my strengths? Do I wait for something else? Where do I look? Am I running away or being guided by my own worries? It has been a bit of a restless week.
I was glad to be back at Challenge planning, feeling somewhat productive, but I still wasn't connecting. I started thinking if I stop doing Challenge down the road I will really have to find a new path for my life, at least provisionally. All this talk lead to my sister asking if I was going to be dissapointed in her if her life did appear that way? A regular job, family, house.. I said no because she does live missionally. Her relationship is ingrained in everything she does. It has made me wonder what I am expecting since it's true I have kind of repelled away from that idea ,in some ways, for my own life. I don't want to fall asleep... live for myself. How do I live right now? What is it that I am imagining? What is the day-to-day life about?
Another writer that I feel a connection to on these things is Dan H.? on Relevant. He is the Jars of Clay guy. He just thinks deep and puts the struggles right out there. I always look forward to diving into his articles, knowing they will be thick with thought. Musings of the day...