Monday, April 16, 2007

Long Winter?

Wow, I guess winter has pulled me away from my written musings. I was just about to hassle my friend Jack about being absent from my reading world when I realized it could easily be thrown back in my own face.
It is the last month of intensity for the college group. I feel like we are running behind though we aren't. I am excited for the newness the leader's retreat and summer will bring.
My body is aching to be found again. Ha ha, I guess it really is aching. I guess I wasn't so ready for 3 sets of 15 on the lunges with my jump start back into my weight program. I have been called all kind of names, involving stiff legs. A friend thought my awkward beach volleyball skills were from my mini skirt, not quite.
I am tumbling ideas about co-dependancy and what it looks like to live your own life that isn't constantly full of the mental evaluations of others needs. I am trying to pull back from the compulsion to always rescue, protect or prevent. Why is grief and heartbrokenness so scary? Is it a loss of control a forgotten understanding of who to trust and what the end of the story is?
I am more drawn to spring flowers than ever this year. I am comforted by the hope of walks, sitting outside, long sunny days and laughter with friends. Keep coming my Spring.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Snowglobe snow...

I looked out my patio window at the most beautiful gliding snow, so soft and yet continuous. There is beauty in pieces of that which I hate. This enemy of mine has brought about a beloved retreat. We were to head to Kansas for time with others like us but the roads were icy and preventative. It would have had it's retreatness of it's own but instead I was gifted with three unplanned days of a weekend.
I put on the down comforter and remembered it's fluffy warmth as I slept in and read. The joy of having to stay indoors lead to a productive streak of cleaning and other work. Friends made their way here as we planned of times ahead and then had a little guy vs girls game action.
We ventured out on snowy roads to check out another church which ended up having the longest sermon ever. It was interesting how emphasis on certain words and a pattern of big or extra tacked on words kept leading my mind into a state of hearing nothing. I had to shake my brain trying to engage and recover lost words. I am realizing more and more my hunger for truth in it's application. I use to be a knowledge hoarder and in some way maybe it trickled down into my actions subconsciously. As cliche as the phrase has become I truly do ache for "What does that look like?" Why do we spend so much time spinning these definitions and theology and walk out living as we have?
I guess when I engage in these conversations of Jesus vision for life I get so excited, hoping these new thoughts will be a tipping point of sorts. Then I feel surrounded by other followers who walk in a drudging state, nothing new or encouraging, no new vision of what God is doing, no passion or need for laboring prayer, feelings of God being so far... I am not putting down those around me so I try not to go on the defensive. I just feel a lack of something and am trying to figure out if we need to be awakened or if that is the dissapointment of living in this broken, mudddled place.
Let's drink clear water and eat sustaining bread. My mind isn't enough. I want to feel the kingdom's realness.