Friday, May 26, 2006

Longings...

"What if the deepest longings of your heart were there for a reason?"

This is a quote off the back of one of my favorite books, Searching for God Knows What. It has brought attention to the small trickles in my brain tonight. A friend asked: What is one dream you have that you hope comes true. I am quite the dreamer, so I always have a jumbled pile of all the things I believe could happen and I hope with anticipation that they will somehow materialize. It was hard to answer. I guess if I keep them all together I am happy when one comes true but if I focus in on one it is frustrating and risky.
My mind can go crazy and as a girl's mind does, it spins a million scenarios with the littlelest details. It also reminds me of my sense of powerlessness. I have really been dissapointed in myself when I have tried to make my own dreams come true. It has been much less stressful and much more exciting and fulfilling when God has taken the initiative and I experience it with him, doing my part to respond and be active in what is happening but not manipulate and poke and prod at the situation.
All this to say I told my friend that I hope one day I find that all my writing was for a reason. I love to write and when given the chance to journal or respond to things I could write pages and pages and often do. It just flows out. It makes me sad sometimes to think what is this for? Is it just for me? Just a release or process? I would love if all this time I was just being in the stage God had for me and actually with the right timing I could pull some things together and actually write a book. I finally decided even if it were never published it is worth it to create the masterpiece I see in my mind. It is the joy of producing that which you are compelled to do.

1 comment:

balie said...

Pimiento, I don't know anyone who writes as compulsively and honestly as you. Your words already serve a purpose -- especially to me. You are the one who always makes me say, "Yes! Exactly!"

Here are possible alter egos made from the letters in my name: Lia, Nike, Lena, Owen. Which one is good?